Having had a lot of experience of relationships, sexual encounters and the male psyche I feel that I am in an excellent position to offer help and advice to “would-be Casanovas”.
Men and women are so very different and require handling in specific ways, especially when it comes to matters of courtship.
I’m sure you would all like to think of yourselves as a sophisticated James Bond who finds scantily clad women literally falling at his feet. Of course you must remain realistic, we don’t live in a world created by Ian Fleming. But there is no reason why we can’t conduct ourselves confidently and worldly-wise and enjoy successful, fulfilling relationships with members of the opposite sex.
Being successful with women is a statement open to interpretation and has a different meaning for everyone. Once you have read and thought about the content of this guide I’m sure your self confidence will know no bounds, and your technique, once practised, will be fine-tuned to the point where you will truly believe that you cannot fail!
WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
This question has totally wiped out many a man’s mind since the dawning of time. Knowing what women want and how they like to be treated is the key to your success.
Women can be fickle creatures and their moods are easily changed. Luckily for men most women are greatly impressed by the smallest gestures of sincerity and sensitivity from men. The old cliche of bunch of flowers or box of chocolates will nearly always work for you in terms of setting the scene and creating a receptive atmosphere.
The way in which men and women think is totally different to one another. Even if we arrive at the same conclusions we will have taken very different paths to get there. This must be understood and accepted by you if you intend to have any success.
The first major concept you must acquaint yourself with is EMPATHY – “putting yourself in another persons shoes”.
If you stood in a bar or a nightclub etc. think how you would like to be approached and spoken to. If a woman marched over and said “Can I buy you a drink, darlin!”, how do you think you would feel?
Women do appreciate the fact that men can be very intimidated by the pressure of having to make the first move. Unfortunately even in today’s “women friendly” society, generally women do prefer men to approach them in the first instance. This is the first flattering step to success.
Conversely don’t be put off by women who may want to approach you, again this is the finest form of flattery and takes confidence and courage to carry out.
Let’s assume that you will be initialising the first Contact. You must be aware of the “A B C” of successful dating:
A = Appearance. B = Body Language. C = Conversation.
Within the first seven seconds of seeing someone we have formed an opinion about them. Obviously our appearance tells others many things about us i.e. if we are interested in fashion, if we have a sense of occasion, if we are neat, tidy and clean etc.
If you want to make a statement about yourself you’ll say it loud and clear by the way you look. It can work for you as much as against you, for instance, pretending to be something you’re not will only result in you appearing, at best, false, perhaps ridiculous and, at worst, untrustworthy.
Even if you do not possess an interest in clothes you must try and ensure that whatever you do wear is clean, tidy and co-ordinated. Look in catalogues or around the clothes shops for ideas of what is deemed as acceptable and unacceptable. Pay attention to everything about yourself from the top of your head to the tip of your toe nails. Personal hygiene is a big issue on the dating front. Women find bad hair, bad breath, body odour, dirty finger/toe nails, dirty clothes etc. extremely offensive and such things are difficult if not impossible to overcome. Always ensure that you are clean and presentable. If you are fortunate enough to have a close friend, be they male or female, ask their opinion about your appearance and personal hygiene standards, you may be surprised at their response! A man who takes pride in his appearance is a definite turn on for most women.
Body language is a vast minefield of a subject that cannot be covered in any depth in a guide of this nature, but we will discuss awareness and basic signals. This should give you a foundation on which you can build.
Body Language has a massive bearing on how you arc perceived by people, particularly those who don’t know you. It is a strong form of communication that occurs without a sound being made, and more often than not it is done subconsciously.
The major points to bear in mind are:
- Keeping open hand gestures to signify honesty and sincerity.
- Maintaining eye contact to gain confidence.
- Not placing any physical barriers between yourself and whomever you wish to make contact with i.e. tables, chairs etc.
- Trying not to fidget around too much as it displays insecurity and lack of confidence,
These are fairly self-explanatory points, however I feel a little expansion is required.
Open hand movements are important when communicating honesty, because tight, closed type gestures suggest that we may have something to hide or we may be intimidated. Should you wish to attempt more subtle gestures you may try ensuring that your foot/feet is/are pointing towards the person you are attracted to whenever possible. Also, should you be fortunate enough to be Sat next to your potential mate, you should cross your outer most leg over your inner leg towards them. This signifies both friendship and attraction.
The eye contact issue is again very important but can easily be used incorrectly. To maintain a suitable amount of eye contact symbolises sincerity and confidence. Over use of eye contact may lead to unnerving your intended mate and leave them feeling intimidated and uncomfortable. So be careful.
When we place barriers between ourselves and other people it may infer that we don’t like people getting too close or that we are intimidated in some way. By sitting or standing without barriers in the way allows you to practice the open hand gestures and positive body language, promoting sincerity and honesty.
Fidgeting or restless behaviour denotes nervousness or perhaps boredom and in any event is very off-putting for those in your company. We can easily send out sub-conscious signals to those around us by the most innocent of gestures. For example, if you touch your nose whilst speaking it could be interpreted as meaning that you are trying to cover your mouth because you are telling an untruth and your body is stopping you from doing so. It may also signify that you are really embarrassed about speaking. Another example of this type of sub-conscious communication is touching your ear whilst someone is speaking to you, this may be because you are attempting to cover the ear so that you don’t listen to what you are being told.
Many people are naturally very demonstrative with their hands and signals like those mentioned above could be easily misinterpreted, but in general terms we all tend to touch parts of our upper bodies, our hair, face, the back of our neck etc when we are socially uncomfortable. When you are Out in a social environment observe groups of people and look at how they interact, you will find that, with practice, you can read a lot into body language and can eventually use it to your advantage.
For example if you watch a predominantly male group, you may find that any female will be the focal point as far as sub-conscious signals go. Those that are attracted to her may face her or point their foot/feet towards her. If she is interested in any male she may do the same. If she is smoking she may expose the bare wrist of her cigarette-holding hand to her prospect or display other subtle positive gestures. Women often play with their hair in an attempt to preen themselves or tilt their head slightly as part of the courtship ritual. The interpretation of body language is a complex matter
but if you stick to the basics it really boils down to common sense.
This is a major feature of successful courtship and a contributor to lasting relationships. Making a woman feel like she is the only woman on earth will ensure positive results every time, in my opinion. Of course it can work against you if you ever sound insincere.
When you initially approach your intended mate you Should have a Structure in mind which you will follow to achieve your goal. Never lose sight of what you are trying to achieve, but try not to concentrate too hard either – you may appear a little too intense.
The Structure you should follow will vary depending on your preference but may go something like this:
- Information gathering.
- Assessment of interest.
Introducing yourself can be an extremely intimidating experience. We all fear rejection of any nature and would much rather avoid confrontational situations that may result in rejection.
Again, it is always helpful to think how you would like to be approached yourself. The things you find off-putting are the things others will also find off-putting, like the over enthusiastic welcome or the timid, whispered introduction that you strain to hear. The main thing to bear in mind is to always be yourself. There is no object in pretending to be something that you’re not, or assuming any airs and graces because behaviour of that nature is totally transparent to others and extremely off-putting. When somebody says “just be yourself” it is difficult to understand what that means as we all act a little differently in certain situations particularly when under pressure.
Introductions like everything else can leave a lasting impression and women can easily be very critical about people and make unfair generalisations. Women need to feel “special”. Attention and flattery are very powerful tools to use in the courtship process.
The following are suggested openers for a first approach:
- “Hello, I couldn’t help noticing you from over there and I wondered if I could perhaps buy you a drink?”
“I wondered if I could ask you to dance?”
“I know this will sound really corny but I think you are really attractive and I wondered if…..etc.”
“Look, I’ve been wanting to come over and speak to you for ages, but I always feel embarrassed about doing it. The thing is, I think you look really nice and I wondered if…..?
“I know that in our equal, non-sexist Society that it is just as appropriate for women to ask men out as vice versa but I’m afraid I am a bit old fashioned and I saw you from over there and I wondered…..?”
“I know I don’t know you very well but I’ve been wanting to ask you out for a long time and haven’t had the courage, I wondered if you…..?”
Of course these are only suggestions and are by no means cast in tablets of stone. You may want to try a humorous approach if that befits your personality as it can be a great icebreaker. A sense of humour in a man is a great turn-on for women but can equally work against you if it’s not naturally you.
Once you have made your introduction and have been accepted into a conversation you can start to gather information about your potential mate.
Information is a powerful weapon when used correctly. Listening intently and remembering what is said to you will win you great favours with women as we often feel uninteresting and unimportant to the male society. When women are listened to and talked to as an “interesting equal” we assume a sense of importance and value from the other party. Unfortunately some women can be oversensitive to sexism and can feel easily patronised by men.
To obtain information it is necessary to ask “open” questions. These are questions to which an explanatory answer must be given i.e. anything other than “yes” or “no”. e.g.:
“What do you think about so and so…..?”
“Why did you decide to do so and so…..?”
“That is interesting, what inspired you to do so and so…..?
Obviously, whilst you are extracting all of this valuable information you are not only endearing yourself to your prospective mate but you are gaining an insight into her personality and psyche. The information can be used at the later closing stage to your advantage by turning it around as follows:
“Well you said earlier on that you had a liking for films, would you like to go and see…..at the cinema this week?”
“You said you bated cooking some time ago, how would you feel about me treating you to a meal?”
Again these are just an illustration of how to use information in a positive way and are by no means instructions to be followed verbatim.
ASSESSMENT OF INTEREST:
By now you should easily be able to assess the interest of your prospect; Is she smiling? Are you getting eye contact? Is her body language open and receptive? Do you feel positive about the whole situation’?
If the answer is yes to all or any of the above questions you may feel sufficiently confident to progress to the next stage. If you don’t feel confident and you’re not sure of the signals you’re receiving then remain in the conversation and information gathering stage until you do feel confident enough to move on.
The main things to always remember are; be yourself, be honest, talk to and listen to your potential mate and relax.
GOAL: “The Final Frontier”.
It is at this point that you have to make a choice as to what you want to happen next; do you want to see this woman again?, do you want to continue the current situation?, do you not want to continue?
If you do want to make a date, remember what you read in the information gathering section and think what would interest your potential date.
If you want to continue with your existing situation but you feel that your prospect is looking awkward or restless it may be wise to invite them to stay or go on somewhere else. For example:
“I hope I’m not keeping you, only I’ve really enjoyed our conversation and I didn’t really want it to end. If you’ve got to be somewhere please say so” “etc.
“Look, I don’t know about you but I’m really enjoying myself, how would you feel about moving on somewhere else?”
Obviously if you’re not interested then you make your excuses and leave politely, but always leave the door open, she may have a friend!