Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
“Husband : “How about the ones like mine?
“Wife : “Those they gave away.
“Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.
“Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?
“Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
“Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says
“Dad, what’s a pussy?”
The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says
“Son, this is a pussy!”The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”
The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
“Yeah teach?” he replies.
“If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?” asks the teacher.
Matt answers “Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off.”
“No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
The teacher responds.”Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?”
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, “Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream.”
Matt replies “No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!”