Doctor, Doctor Jokes

Patient: Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.”
Doctor: That’s easy. Eat shit.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie…..

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient:Doctor Doctor I think my butt is broken.
Doctor: No jimmy, every butt has a crack in it.

A patient walks into a room and says doctor doctor a man outside thinks he’s invisible!
Doctor: Well tell him i cant see him right now.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid SOB!

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don’t touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don’t smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don’t do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

Patient:Doctor you wanted to see me.
Doctor:Yes it’s important sit down.
Patient:What is it?
Doctor:The test came and you’re going to die in 24hrs.
Doctor:There is more.
Patient:What is it?
Doctor: I meant to call you yesterday.

What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon?
God dosn’t think he is an orthopedic surgeon.

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your DNA.

What do you call a doctor that fixes websites?
A URLologist

What did the doctor say to the midget?
You just have to be a little patient.

What do you call a student that got C’s all the way through med school?
Hopefully not your doctor.

Why did the banana go to the doctors office?
Because he wasn’t peeling well!

Q: Where does an injured sandwich go?
A: The ‘Mayo’ Clinic

Why did the boy tiptoe infront of the medicine cabinet?
Because he didnt wanna wake the sleeping pills.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

One day a boy was walking with a doctor. The boy was the doctor’s son.But the doctor was not his father.
How is this possible?
Answer: The doctor was a woman!

Young Brunette
A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible” says the doctor, “show me”.
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you? You’re really a blonde”.
She says “Yes, doctor”.
“I thought so.” he says ” Your finger is broken”.

Good News Bad News
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Advanced Alzheimer’s disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

Erectile Dysfunction
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.
“Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Going Deaf
A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”

The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

A lady walks into the gynecoligist’s office and the doctor tells her to get into the stirrup’s
He then proceeds to tell her that she has a problem and that she is going to have to be numbed down there.
She says “What? .. Well okay”
So he sticks his face down there and goes num num num num num..

Heaven and Hell
A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife.
Unfortunately, he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish.
Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it.
Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, “I’ll take door #3!” “Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible,” exclaimed Saint Peter. “That’s NURSES’ Hell!”

Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.
The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”
The woman replies, “Yes. Now, we’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.”

Terminal Illness
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”

They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.

Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”

The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”

Man goes to doctor and questions his professionalism ,
Doctor say I am very private and professional why?
Man says my problem is very personal.
Doctor says that’s fine you can tell me.
So the man says it is my penis, lets have a look says the doctor. When he got it out it was the size of a AAA battery. The doctor laughed very loudly and hysterically, the man said I thought you were professional,
Sorry said the doctor but I have never seen anything that small. Controlling himself the doctor said so what is the problem sir.
It’s swollen said the man,,, the doctor continued laughing uncontrolably.

Dr. Smith
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts. So one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.

Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following:

One day she was running late and decided to do her excercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith’s. To which she replied: “Yes how did you know?”.


Rectal Thermometer
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen.”

Doctor Pick Up Lines
Stand back, I’m a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I’ll loosen her clothes.

Are you a doctor? Cause you just cured my erectile dysfunction.

They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.

I’m like a doctor, actually an dentist, I’m gonna have to ask you to, ya know, uh take off your clothes

Playing doctor is for kids…let’s play gynecologist!”

No that’s not an epi-pen in my pants, I’m just happy to see you.

I am an organ donor, need anything?

I wish I was your coronary artery, so that I could be wrapped around your heart.

(Hold out a stethoscope) Why don’t you listen to your heart and go out with me?

Male Nurse in Charge
Murphy is a trainee nurse in his local GPs surgery.
Last week the doctor said, “Murphy I’m going for a round of golf so I’m leaving you in charge, it’s always quiet on Wednesdays.”
On his return the doctor asked Murphy how he’d got on.
MURPHY. “I had three lady patients. The first complained of headaches so I gave her Paracetamol.”
DOCTOR, “Good.”
MURPHY. “The second complained of stomach ach so I gave her Gaviscon.”
DOCTOR. “You learn fast.”
MURPHY. “The third woman burst through the door, ripped her clothes off and jumped naked onto the couch screaming, ‘Help me help me, I’ve not seen a man in over two years.”
DOCTOR. “What did you do?”
MURPHY. “I gave her some eye drops.”

Grocery Store
A women goes to the super market gets 2 shopping carts full of groceries goes to the checkout.
The cashier starts small talking to her.
The cashier asks, “What do you do for a living?”,
She says “I am a proctolagist do you mind if I pay by cheque”, the cashier says “No problem”,
The lady pulls her cheque book out of her purse pulls out a thermometer to sign the cheque which obviously does not work & says….”Some assholes got my pen.”

Fastest Way To Die
So this one old lady wanted to kill her self so she went to her doctor and asked “what’s the best and fastest way to kill yourself?”
The doctor simply said “your heart its located under your left breast”.
So she went home grabbed a gun said a payrer and shot herself her left breast she yelled “damn doctor lied! I shot my knee!… Haha get it?

Flower Garland
A doctor was wearing a flower garland around his neck when he was doing a operation

patient:why are you wearing a flower garland around your neck?

doctor: Its my first operation if I succeed its for me otherwise for you

Two Gynecologists
Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says, “I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle.”

The second one asks, “That big or that green?”

“That sour.”

So this guy walks into a doctors office.
Goes up the receptionist and says ” I got shingles “.
She says ” alright sit down “.
Nurse calls him back says “whats wrong?” the guys says i got shingles”
Nurse says ” alright the doctor will be in in a minute”.
Doctor comes in, says ” whats wrong?” Guy says ” I got shingles”
Doctor says ” where? ”
Guy says “on the truck, where do you want them?”

Bad Nurse
One doctor says to another doctor; I think that I will have to fire nurse Smith.
So the other doctor ask him how come?
“Because she keeps getting things backwards. The other day I told her to give Mr. Jones in room 301 one pill every four hours. She ended up giving him 4 pills every hour. I then told her to change the bandage on his head. She ended up making his bed.”
All of a sudden they heard this horrible scream coming from Mr. Jones’s room.
So the doctor says, “Oh No” I will definitely have to fire nurse Smith now; I told her to go in and prick Mr. Jones boil.”

Botched Appendectomy
A man goes into the hospital to remove his appendix. After the operation the doctor walks into the room and finds the patient awake.
The patient asked how the operation went. The doctor said he had good news and bad news.
The nervous patient asked for the bad news first.
The doctor said that the medical charts were mixed up and instead of an appendectomy, the main had both legs amputated.
The man was upset and asked what the good news was.
The doctor replied that the man in the next bed wanted to buy his shoes.

Doctor’s Advice
If they approach, don’t say anything.
If you see that is big, don’t be scared.
If they place it in you, just breathe and relax.
If it hurts, hold up.
Because a vaccine can save your life.

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