The Dark Tower Movie * The Beams still stand, barely

I just got back from the 19:19 showing of The Dark Tower. Guess what, folks?

It didn’t suck. I loved it. (Even though it scored a meagre 19% on Rotten Tomatoes)

For those of you who are determined to not go for whatever reasons, I pity you. You are missing another turn of the wheel. This movie was fast paced, had great special effects, good casting, and it sets things up perfectly for the upcoming TV series.

Sure, like all fans, I would have loved to see them Peter Jackson the shit out of this. You know, six epic films. But, that isn’t what happened.

This is another turn of the wheel.

It’s NOT the books. It starts all over.

Roland has given up on saving the Tower and he’s only after revenge. Things are different for Jake too. In this turn, his father has died and his step father is trying to get him sent away. The dreams are driving him crazy. He’s having a tough time. I think that the movie does a good job of providing enough context that anyone unfamiliar with the Dark Tower series will understand what is going on. I found I followed all of the action perfectly. It all made sense.

There were some concerns that it would be a bit Matix-y. It does do that just a teensy bit in the final battle buuuuut, it’s not terrible and it’s not a huge, drawn out scene. Also, the speed loading. If you remember in the gun fight at Tull, he’s freaking reloading fast as hell. That’s how he does it so you nay sayers remember that comes straight from the book.

For those who complained that Idris Elba is #notmyroland. I noticed a lot of things about Roland in the movie. I noticed his guns. They are awesome. I noticed his wardrobe. It was perfect. I noticed his voice. Love it. Mmmmmm. I noticed he didn’t take off his shirt. I would have liked that cuz….reasons. Know what I didn’t notice? Apparently, Idris Elba is black. I didn’t notice that at all.

For those who didn’t like Matthew McConaughey as The Man in Black. He did a great job. I do still contend that if they’d wanted Christopher Walken, they should have hired Christopher Walken. He would have been perfect in this role. But McConaughey channeled his inner Walken and proved himself to be up to the task.

Darkness is your weapon, guns are mine.

Tom Taylor was good as Jake. I have no complaints. Would have loved for him to meet Oy but maybe in the TV series. There are a bunch of other characters added in with no value to the plot –  just to extend the pitiful runtime. I was excited to see Katheryn Winnick playing Tom’s mum! Vikings Rule!

Jake Chambers: He’s like the Devil, isn’t he?

Roland Deschain: No. He’s worse.

Favorite bit of dialogue:
[Jake gives Roland a hot dog]
Roland: What’s this?
Jake: It’s a hot dog.
Roland: You people are savages. [takes a bite] What breed?

The bad parts:

Rushed: Sure the movie made a nice framework for introducing the series to nonreaders, it failed to deliver those important details. The Dark Tower leaves a lot questions unanswered in terms of the origins of all the pieces involved in this war. As for the parts they do fill in, these are lacking on so many levels, lacking real depth or mystery to get you hooked into the film. Even worse, much of the quest has little in regards to obstacles, with most problems being solved with little effort. You get to hear all about the things lying in wait, but their actual involvement in the movie is little to none. While this not only limits the story, it also limits the special effects and creature design we could have gotten as well. A few CGI and makeup effects stand out, but the Dark Tower’s first film is rather lackluster given the potential of King’s books.

There were a lot of slow scenes, but I was never completely bored because I kept waiting around for “a” great moment. It never happened. Even at the climax, I was hoping that it was not the climax. I walked out of this movie feeling numb and content, but then I realized that content was not enough for a movie of this caliber, and I was being too easy on it. The sad part about this movie is that by the end of it, you realized nothing has progressed and it was a mess of nothingness.

Script + Dialogue: I don’t understand how these actors can act through some these horrible dialogues. The line that the gunslinger always says is used throughout the entire movie.

It is supposed to carry depth, but it passes off as being cheesy. It’s supposed to hold meaning, but it falls under the dirt. There are several other dialogues with The Man in Black that passes off as a two dimensional power hunger villain. Imagine a villain who is finger-tenting while planning something masterful, but take away anything masterful about it. He just looks ridiculous.

Meh, whatever. There are other worlds than these.

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