I have read the series and I’m ready to pronounce the sins. E.L. James needs a spanking. BuzzFeed had a top 13 list and now it’s time for us to do our own. There are only actually 12 shades of grey that are readily acknowledged but the British Art Council (13 if you know the secret handshake). I wondered where the other 37 came from, some sort of secret colour palette??
“So” he asks, looking at me with his grey eyes “what did you think of the book?”
I bite my lower lip, looking at his beautiful face.
“well?” he asks. I roll my eyes and blush and have an earth shatttering orgasm as I see his trousers hanging in…. That way. My inner goddess faceplants.
“oh my” I say.
We bonk for a few minutes.
He points his long finger at me. “you haven’t answered me yet.”
Holy crap I mutter.
He spanks me, I have an orgasm which makes me shatter into a thousand pieces then burst into tears.
Him and his twitchy palms. Ooh and his white linen shirt.
He tweaks my nipple. I orgasm again. From virgin to sex kitten in less time then it takes most people to clean the fridge. Not bad!!!
We have earth shattering sex AGAIN.
Repeat until authors pen runs out.
1) ‘Her curiousity oozes through the phone’
Really? I would have liked to see that.
2) ‘Feel it baby.’
Yuk. Our hero, Mr Christian Grey, constantly says ‘baby’ this and ‘baby’ that to the heroine of the novel, Anastasia – and never has the word ‘baby’ been less sexy and more over-used.
3) ‘He’s my very own Christian Grey popsicle.’
Are there prizes for the worst description of a blow-job? I think they should have had a look at this list.
4) ‘My mom is oozing contrition’
Enough with the oozing, please!
5) ‘Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel.’
I don’t think I could ever mentally gird my loins – in some ways, you have to admire our heroine.
6) ‘How does he know?’
Anastasia marvels at her hero’s superb contraceptive knowledge. A man who knows that you have to take the mini pill at the same time each day. Now that’s something, isn’t it? Er, no.
7) ‘Suppose he returns with a cane, or some weird kinky implement?’ Holy shit, what will I do then?’
At this point Mr Grey has owned up to being seriously into S&M – it’d be odd if he returned with a bunch of flowers or a nice DVD box set. In fact it’d be odd if he returned with anything BUT a cane, or some weird kinky implement.
8) ‘You are the most fascinating woman I know.’
Another ‘really?’ moment. Why does Christian think Anastasia is fascinating? She is so dull and thick and annoying! Ah, but most of the women Christian knows let him tie them up before the first drink, whereas Anastasia (an intellectual literature student who loves Thomas Hardy) takes a little time to consider the offer. Is that fascinating, or is it just a weak and uninteresting plot line that somehow holds this weak and uninteresting story together?
9) Christian Grey: ‘You wore my underwear’
Anastasia: ‘Did that shock you?’
Christian Grey: ‘Yes.’
So speaks a man who likes to tie women to the ceiling and leave them there. Yer what?!
10) Anastasia when cuffed to the bed posts: ‘Holy cow, I cannot move my arms.’
Well there’s a surprise!
11.) Mr Grey manages to woo Ana by stalking her and giving her menacing looks like a pervert Dracula, whilst constantly mentioning how rich he is – “Did I mention that my car has an owl sanctuary in the back seat?”. His obvious evilness becomes irrelevant when he plays his piano (not a euphemism) in the buff, with not a worry about leaving hairs or skid marks on the stool.
12.) Ana’s ‘Inner Goddess’ appears to a combination of indigestion and an undiagnosed personality disorder, the inner goddess also appears to be preparing for the Olympics, it spends its days either swooning or pole vaulting – I’m assuming this is practice to avoid being violently jabbed by Mr Grey’s ‘impressive length’. The author’s over-use of the word ‘length’ is unsettling and makes me wonder if she is desperately trying to compensation for her husbands chronic lack of inches.
13.) If you strip this sad narrative back to its bare bones and focus on the male protagonist; what you’re reading about is a tragic, highly damaged man whose preying on a vulnerable, younger woman continuing a cycle of sexual abuse he has clearly experienced himself.
The most irksome aspect of Ana’s character was how often she says “Oh my”. It is impossible not to read it in a George Takei voice, which made many of the love scenes unintentionally hilarious!
When used in juxtaposition with riding crops, vaginal beads, cunnilingus, sex at IHOP, and “firing up her Google” to send winky-face smileys to Christian, “oh my” serves a remarkably consistent function in the narrative.
Anastasia says ‘Oh my!’ all the time but what does ‘Oh my!’ mean? Does it mean ‘I feel horny?’ Or does it mean ‘I’m not sure my mum would approve.’ Or does it mean ‘I want my knickers back’. Tell me, damn it, and then this flat, lifeless, unbelievable character might stand a chance of coming to life!
Next time people ask you why Fifty Shades of Grey smashed worldwide sales records, answer with confidence,
“Holy hell, the writing is unlike anything I’ve ever — I mean jeez. Oh my. Oh my.”